Harry Potter is a story about a poor, abused and neglected young boy who discovers he is a wizard. He suddenly leaves a miserable childhood behind and goes to a wonderful school with amazing new friends. There is a huge fandom behind this magical series, and of course, there are a million and one Harry Potter jokes on the internet.
We have done the hard work for you and trawled through a whole internet’s worth of dragon dung to find the best Harry Potter jokes out there because on a scale of one to 10, how obsessed with the Harry Potter Series are we? About nine and three quarters…
So here they are, enjoy!
71 Wizardly Jokes from the World of Harry Potter
Good Old-Fashioned Walks-into-a-bar Jokes
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You can’t beat a good ‘walks-into-a-bar’ joke. They’ve been making people laugh since the opening of the first bar - probably.
A Muggle walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender looks up and says, “That’s pretty cool, where’d you get it?”
“London,” the frog croaks. “They’ve got millions of ‘em!
2
Two Hungarian Horntails walk into a pub.
The first one says, “Sure is hot in here.”
The second one snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”
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Hogwarts Teacher Jokes
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Muggle teachers can be a great source of joke material, and a Hogwarts teacher is no different in that regard. Let’s have a giggle at their expense, shall we? Starting with Professor Quirrel. He’s always been hard to like, I find him a little two-faced.
Professor Quirrell walks into a bar, unwraps his turban, turns around, and presents the Dark Lord’s face to the barman. The Dark Lord orders a beer.
“Sorry, I can’t serve you,” the barman says. “You’re already out of your head.”
4
Why doesn’t Severus Snape teach Herbology class?
Because even his Lily died.
5
How does the head teacher of Gryffindor see while swimming?
She uses McGonagoggles!
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We shouldn't laugh about Professor McGonagall. She is such a good teacher… although she can be catty sometimes.
7
How does the Hogwarts headmaster get into his office?
Through a Dumble-door!
8
Where would you find Dumbledore's army?
Up his sleeve-y!
9
Why did Professor Snape throw away so many potions?
They were past their hex-piration date!
10
What type of drink does Professor Snape hate the most?
Jameson.
11
Why does Professor Moody hate elephants?
He can’t stand the trunk.
12
Harry Potter was able to talk to snakes, a power he hid while he was at Hogwarts as it was associated with dark magic. It's a little-known fact that Professor Sprout possessed a similar power. She could speak the language of herbs, Parsleytongue.
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Top 10 Worst Harry Potter Characters:
- There aren’t 9. Any characters 8. In the Harry Potter series 7. That deserves to be labeled 6. As the worst 5. Because all the characters 4. Have their own 3. Characteristics 2. Which make them unique and interesting 1. Dolores Umbridge.
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What do you call the entrance to a magical gym?
A dumbbell door.
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Hogwarts Students
Now that a Hogwarts professor or two has been positively annihilated with sheer humor, we can move on to the students. Apologies in advance if we insult your favorite character.
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Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between the pot he uses to make potions and his best friend?
They’re both cauld ron.
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How do Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle enter a building?
They Slytherin.
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FOUNDER OF HOGWARTS: “Okay, so we all know there are four types of kids. We have brave, smart, evil, and miscellaneous.”
SCHOOL BOARD: “Yes, continue”
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Why is herbology a Slytherin student’s favorite class?
Because it’s in the greenhouse.
20
Why does Ron love his pet rat so much?
It’s the pet-he-grew up with!
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Hermione got attacked by a troll in the bathroom.
Ginny got abducted in the bathroom.
Moaning Myrtle got killed in the bathroom.
Moral of the story? Don’t go to the bathroom alone!
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Why is studying at Hogwarts confusing?
Students aren’t sure witch-craft to choose.
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What cereal do they serve at Hogwarts?
Hufflepuffs.
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How do Hogwarts students freshen their breath?
Enchant mints.
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Why did Luna Lovegood ask Hagrid for his autograph?
She is a giant fan.
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What’s the biggest problem in Hogwarts School?
Spelling errors.
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Why did Harry Potter get detention?
Because he was cursing in class.
And that’s the end of the student-inspired jokes. We would have thrown some Neville Longbottom jokes in there too, but now that we are more mature we get kind of upset at Neville being the butt of so many jokes. So we left him out of it.
Now, on to the greatest sport in the world.
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Quidditch Jokes
Quidditch is a funny word. All words can be funny when you hear them first, but this can be a fun one to play around with.
How does Harry Potter get rid of an irritating rash?
With Quit-itch!
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How much does it cost to watch Harry Potter play his favorite sport?
A quid each.
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Which Hogwarts student would teach you how to play Quidditch?
I think Oliver Wood.
Ok, so we have been extremely light-hearted so far. But there’s always time for a little dark humour because if you don’t laugh at darkness it will never get brighter. And we know Harry himself loves a dark joke. Can Harry Potter throw shade? Yes, he certainly can! And where better to start than with jokes about the darkest wizard of all?
Voldy, The Dark Lord of Harry Potter Movies and Books
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What does Harry Potter have that The Dark Lord doesn’t?
A nose.
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Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
You know.
You know who?
Exactly. AVADA KEDAVRA!
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Why does Voldemort prefer Twitter over Facebook?
Because he has only followers, not friends.
34
What type of shoes does Voldemort wear?
Horcrocs!
35
What do you call an electrocuted Dark Lord?
A Volt-demort.
36
Voldemort's parents took the 'I got your nose' game a bit too seriously
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Why didn’t Lord Voldemort use perfume?
Because he couldn’t smell it!
38
What do Lord Voldemort and a teenage girl have in common?
A diary!
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25 great ways to annoy Lord Voldemort:
- Ask him why he doesn't have a cool scar.
- Call him The-Guy-Who-Let-The-Boy-Live.
- Ask him when he last took a bath.
- Play "knock and run" at his bed-chamber door late at night.
- Ask him why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something more "sociably acceptable".
- If you ever need to say "Like taking candy from a baby", be sure to add: '"Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others." Stare pointedly at him.
- Offer him eye drops for "that dreadful redness".
- Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.
- Tell people, "he's really just a big softie."
- Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with a bottle of disinfectant.
- "Did you ever even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?"
- Sign him up for yoga classes. Insist it is to "cleanse his soul."
- Buy him a stress ball.
- Hide his wand. Make him play the "hot and cold" game to get it back.
- Call him "Tommy-boy".
- Begin any question you ask him with "Riddle me this!" Emphasize the word, Riddle.
- Paint all the Death Eater masks with bright colors and glitter.
- Throw him a Carebears-themed birthday party. Keep insisting that he has always loved the Carebears. Tell the guests that he wants to be called Brave Heart.
- Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.
- Make vague allusions to Harry Potter being his son.
- Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single hair on the head of "that sweet, innocent, cute little boy".
- Ask him why he's afraid of an old man who looks like Santa Claus and why he can't fight babies.
- Cuddle him at random moments.
- Call him "Champ" or "Tiger", refer to yourself as "Coach".
- Ask him where he gets his garlic-scented soap.
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We like to laugh at Tommy-Boy but you have to admire him too. Look at all of the work he did on Horcruxes.
I mean, he really did put his soul into it.
Now, on to some more dark humor.
Dark Harry Potter Jokes
These jokes are for those of you with a little bit of a twist in your sense of humor. The Harry Potter world is not all sweetness and light; there’s a lot of darkness in them, too. In keeping with that, here are some dark jokes for the more macabre Harry Potter fans out there.
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light-hearted.
The fifth one was dead Sirius.
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A lot of the characters in the Harry Potter series are wonderfully well-rounded. Ron Weasley is hilarious, Hermione Granger is someone to look up to, Draco Malfoy is a guy we really love to hate, and most of the secondary characters like the other Hogwarts students, the Weasley children, the death eaters, and other wizards in Harry Potter, all well-written characters.
But the Gryffindor house ghost, Nearly Headless Nick? A very poorly executed character, by anybody’s standards.
42
Why aren't there any guns in Harry Potter?
Because Hogwarts is in England, not America.
43
Everyone who died at the battle of Hogwarts missed All Star by Smash Mouth’s release just two days later.
It's so tragic. They still had so much to do, so much to see.
44
How long does a snowy owl live?
Six and a half books.
Ooh, tough crowd.
Let's lighten things back up with a little bit of romance. Remember when Ron kissed Hermione? When Harry and Ginny got together? Feeling romantic now?
Harry Potter Chat Up Lines
You might find yourself with a lovely partner who is also a fan of the boy who lived. Someone who will really a dumbledore you (sorry).
Unless of course, you are looking for love in all the Ron places (sorry I can’t help myself).
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My name isn't Luna, but I sure do Lovegood.
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Is your name Oliver Wood?
Because you’re definitely a keeper.
47
I must have had some Felix Felicis because I think I’m about to get lucky
48
You must be a Nimbus 2000 because you’re sweeping me off my feet.
49
Wow, when I said “Accio hottie,” I didn’t expect it to work!
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Is your name Harry Potter?
Because you are my chosen one. (insert groan here
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Is this the Hogwarts Express? Because it feels like you and I are headed somewhere magical.
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Are you Harry Potter’s godfather? Because I am SIRIUS-ly into you.
We hope that these help you to find the love of your life. How could a person not fall for one of those pick-up lines?
We are just about done, but let’s finish up on a few Harry Potter puns (we won’t add a ‘Bigfoot’s favorite book is Hairy Potter’ joke because they are EVERYWHERE) and some silly jokes that really ought to be included in this list of the best Harry Potter jokes out there.
Next time someone asks you, why so Sirius? you can counter-pun with one of these and show them that you are not that Sirius at all!
Just a Few More Silly Jokes - Hairy Potter Not Included
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How do you get a mythical creature into your house?
Through the Gryffindor.
54
And what does Harry Potter use to enter a room?
The Gryffin-door.
55
Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking Polyjuice Potion?
Because it was making him Moody.
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Don’t hold it against Barty Crouch Jr or Mad Eye Moody, wizards who drink Polyjuice Potion are people two.
57
Why did Harry Potter cross the road?
No reason. But we’re sure someone will still write fan fiction about it.
58
Why do Azakaban inmates have fresh breath?
Because of de-mentoes.
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Why is Ollivander never home?
He’s a wanderer.
59
Why was Sirius banned from Hogwarts?
For Black magic.
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What is the sorting hat’s biggest fear?
Lice.
61
How many centaurs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to actually do it, and one to say how bright the room looks tonight.
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How many Harry Potters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
There’s only one Harry Potter.
63
Who is the most priceless friend Harry has?
Dobby, a Free Elf.
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What do you call a guy who makes pots, who also has a lot of body hair?
His name, probably. I don’t know.
65
Take the first two letters from every book and put them all together. I guarantee when you read it you will have a long laugh.
66
Harry Potter movies should be rated R for the amount of cursing that the characters do in them.
67
How do you know if someone is a pureblood wizard?
Oh, don’t worry. They’ll tell you.
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I’m trying to get on to Platform 9 and 3/4. But I keep hitting a wall.
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Why does Voldemort love Nagini?
Because she gives him such nice hisses.
70
How does Severus stay in touch with his friends?
Snape chat.
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And that’s all we have for you today. We hope you’ve had a good laugh from these very silly jokes. Just one more thing before we sign off - If you really do love Harry Potter, answer this question.:
If you could choose between world peace and going to Hogwarts...
...which house would you want to be in?
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